Sex in a little City!

Hello my yummy's! I finally got my long lost post to post. Huh? Don't feel like you missed anything. I'm still a chubby petite.

I'm so excited! My beautiful, darling sister is coming for a visit. Not to my house, but to Beau Baby's house. Close enough. She is bringing her littles with her! I can't wait to squeeze and kiss them, and pretend that they love me best! They do. I just don't want the rest of the fam dam to hate me for it. Family life is hard enough without that hanging over your head.

I'm really excited cuz Kate and I are going to see Sex and the City, The Movie! Heaven in Manolo Blahniks! I could pee my pants!! I love, love, love Sex and the City! I own them all, watch them on TBS and buy every rag with SJP on it! My good friend Autumn and I would discuss SATC every week at work, and we had our favorite bits. Hers was, "He broke up with me on a Post-It!" I will forever associate those words with Autumn. We had this theory that every thing in life was related to an episode of "Seinfeld" or "SATC". Note to self: Go visit Autumn! Note to men: Never break up with a girl on a Post-It!

I can't wait to see the girls! They are my old friends and I haven't seen them in a long time! I've missed them so! I know that Kate feels the same way too! I'm super glad that she will be with me. Did I mention that I'm so excited?!

Autumn, I miss ya girl. You are my Miranda.

Now that's hot!

Okay, I had a post for yesterday, but I can't get it to post. Technology. Whatever. Bring back the 80's! When things were simple. Sex, drugs and rock and roll. Or was that the 60's? Hummmm.................I'll get it to work eventually. I hope.

Today I'm gonna go over my top five laminated list. For those of you that don't know what that is, you should watch more "Friends". Top five laminated list is a person/celebrity that you will never in a million years get to be be with, but if the situation actually presented itself and you got an opportunity to be with that person, it would be ok with your significant other. Kapeeseesh? We all have a laminated list. Mr Horsepower says he doesn't, but he does. He doesn't want me to feel bad about the thought of him wanting to lock lips with Halley Berry. Let's face it HP, it ain't never gonna happen. I mean she's Halley and he's a grease monkey in a small southern town. Not that there is anything wrong with that. I love that about him! And if Miss Halley tried to take my man, I'd have sumpthin to say about it! But like I said, it ain't never gonna happen. Besides, I'm no Pam Anderson myself.

So with much thought and deliberation, here it is. My top five laminated list! These are not in order, just five. Thank you.

1. Bruce Campbell- The Evil Dead movies

2. Joe Bob Briggs- TNT Monstervison host

3. Ryan Gosling- The Notebook

4. Chris Noth- Mr. Big from Sex in the City

5. Mike Rowe- Dirty Jobs

There it is. As you can see, I have a thing for "tall, dark and handsome". Dark being the key word there. An interesting nose and sense of humour gets me every time! I'm a sucker for a big nose and a laugh. Now some of you may be going "Huuuuhhh?", or "Yuck!", but the list is a very personal choice. Also, this list is subject to change. I've found that as time goes by, my list evolves. My list used to consist of Billy Idol and C.Thomas Howell. While both still have their hotness, I've grown up a little. Like I have to remember to walk past the "juniors" section at Dillard's, and actually search for "trendy" women's apparel. What's wrong with a 40 year old wearing a mini skirt? I know exactly what is wrong with a 40 year old wearing a mini skirt. But if the legs hold out, isn't it okay?? Discuss.

Now I expect a surge of you commenting me back on your own top five laminated lists. I'd like to get to know you all a little better, and I think that a list like that says alot about a person. Like weather you need therapy................. or an exorcism. I promise I won't judge.

Okay, maybe just a little. My grandmother is Catholic, she's got connections.

I developed a Twitch. Both kinds!

I don't even know where to start. The photo is aweful, but so is the progress. I thought I was being careful. How do things like this happen? Am I really seeing this? Try again, maybe it's wrong. These were the same statements and questions I asked myself when I found out I was preggers in high school. Only this time my dad won't cry. I did, however. Again. How did I gain 3 lbs?!?! I'm now more than when I started!! Dang! Double dang! Freaking holidays! What the crap?! Disiplin!! I need to be strict and structured! No more foolishness! I mean business. Where is Richard Simmons when I need him??


Okay, so now I'm done. Ranting, that is. Just to let you know, my nephew PJ and his dog Twitch have moved in with us for the summer. PJ wants to learn how to turn a wrench, so were takin him and Twitch into the fold. Yep people, that is four, count 'em, four dogs in my lil home sweet home. And Twitch is a Boxer. His meaty paw is the size of Miss Lola's head! She's not gonna take any crap from him though. She lets him have it ( from the safety of the couch), every chance she gets! Thorley's not to fond either. There's lots of yipping and barking and carring on. Murphy and Twitch like to wrestle. And growl. And bite. There is so much going on round here. It's a Dalmation Plantation! Minus the Dalmations.


Good thing I have tile floors.

Footnote: I was struggling with my pictures. My weight was 126.2. Craptacular! Gained back the 2 lbs that I lost and add 1 extra. Lovely! Will add pictures of Twitch soon. Before he gets any bigger. Which may be tomarrow.

Her name was Lola, she was a show girl!

Hi my noodles! I woke up this morning, and realized it is Thursday! Where has the time gone?? I also feel like I'm 16 still, in my head, but that is another story.

Here she is! My new lil nugget! Isn't she lovely?! We've had a ruff start with her. She spent the weekend in the emergency room, for pets, and is on every med that they make for lil nuggets! I think we have found the culprit, though. My new lil baby is hosting a parasite in her lil belly! Doesn't that just make you think of Alien?! Yep, it do!

Now, I know I love this lil nugg cuz I have done things for her that only a mama would do. I've caught her puke in my hands, I've scooped up her poop in a Tupperware container and drove it across town so the vet can look at it, gotten up at night to feed her! Sheesh! It's like having a real baby!! But the funny thing is, I don't seem to mind. She's mine now. Plus, Mr. Horsepower let me stay home this week to get her on the mend! There are advantages to sleeping with the boss!

There is one more sad story. Lola has a open fontanel, which is the soft spot on top of her head. It should have closed by now, so Doc is a lil worried. She's ok, no dain bramage, but we have to be extra careful. No wrestling with the other hounds. No droppin her on her noggin. Dang!! You know how much I like to do that! With that in mind, it has been suggested that we fashion her with a little helmet. I have a dog that wears a helmet. Never thought I'd be uttering those words from my mouth. We have a dog with special needs. Once again........I'm tired.

Sooooooo, we've found a house that we love!! Bad news is there is already a bid on it. Double dang!! But, it may not go through, not sure why, but then we would be next! This is big, people! I looked all last summer and didn't find a dang thing, and yesterday was my first day out looking! The stars must be aligning with the planets or some crap like that. Anyway, I need you all to come together for a moment of silence, in prayer or whatever, for the "house". Work your mo-jo, get rid of the bad ju-ju, burn some sage, do the chicken dance, ya know whatever. I'm going to redeem my karma points. Mind you, I don't have many. I am a sinner, after all. A heathen Jezebel. Is it wrong to wish "those people" don't get the house, so I can have it? I mean, it's not like wished them to get in a car crash or something. Right?? GOOD JU-JU! GOOD JU-JU!!

Holla goes out to my beautiful lil sis Kate and her best husband ever, Bob, for being married a really long time! They rock!! They are the shiz! They're better than bad, they're GOOD! Happy anniversary you chicken lickins! I love yer guts!

PS. Kate, ask Seth if he's using his helmet, Lola needs to borrow it.

Coming soon........Pictures!

Hey Ya'll! Sorry I missed you yesterday, I have some sick hounds that have been monopolizing most of my time, but I did take my picture on the scale, as promised! I took it first thing Monday morning, honest to goodness! And then I did the happy dance!! So happy that I didn't let you all, or myself, down. Whooosssh! That was makin me nervous.

So now that is over, I'm please to announce a new addition to our family. She is a long hair, teacup chihuahua and her name is Lola. I love her to bits!! She is super sweet and so beautiful. I know, I know, most of you are gonna think I'm crazy for having three dogs, but some people have 5 cats or 17 children! What works for some, doesn't work for others. And she makes me happy, so how can that be bad?!

Don't answer that.............It's pretty in this lil world I've made.

Don't ask, just go!

Hi Weekenders! Ittttt'ssss here! Yippeeee!! I'm desk dancin!! So, I know that I already put that cute lil puppy/kitty thing up, cuz I had to look a MLS listings sent to me by our sweet gal realtor, Miss Heidi, and I didn't have alotta time. But I wanted to mention one of my fav-o-rite sites in the World, next to all of yours, that is..........

It's http://www.hulu.com/ and I love it! It is awesome!! You can watch movies and TV.......stuff you missed! Old Charlie's Angels and Battelstar Gallactica! And my most favoritest show ever, Buffy the Vampire Slayer!!! (And I wonder where youngest man-baby get's it from.) Right now I'm watching Bones, it's lovely.

I suggest you go there directly and watch the snippets of SNL! My personal fav is called "It's a Match" and "Barry Gibb Talk Show" and "Girls Trying on Clothes", ohhhh and "Annuale" sooooo Freakin funny! Check it out and tell me what you think. Come on, would I steer you wrong??

Oh yeah! Right there! Oh, that feels nice...........

Is house hunting a sport?

Hi my fav-o-rite lounge lizards! Tribute to the 80's game Leisure Larry and Land of the Lounge Lizards! For those of you that care, I have a Leisure Larry key chain, a most prized possesion. Which reminds me of the time I traded a rubber chicken key chain to my craziest, funniest, demented friend Rach, for a shirt that says "Trailer Trash"on it. It was a good trade. Oh Rach, how I miss you so!

So, I have alot going on these days. Let's be honest, who doesn't. Sometimes I feel so whelmed, that I just want to climb into bed, minus devil hounds, and sleep for a week to ten days. Again, who doesn't. So what do I do in these times of whemedness? I look for a new house!!

Yep lizards, the hunt is on! This time I'm bringing a lunch! Last summer I looked at every dang house is the valley, did we buy anything? Of course not. Mr. Horsepower is very particular about where he's gonna keep his collection of crap. He want's a rambler with an entryway and only certain colors are acceptable, must have three car garage, etc. Sheesh! How'd he get so picky?! I mean he comes home covered in grease, smelling like a dirty man-boy! Who does he think he is, getting to be so choosy? It must be the Tim Gunn in him. He is a bit metro. By bit, I mean alot. Shush! It's a secret.

I'm much simpler. I only requested a yard big enough for a pool, and a wonderful closet! It's the Carrie Bradshaw in me. Oh, and a nice kitchen. Pretty easy, don't you think? This is the part where you all, as my trusted lizards, nod approvingly with agreement. Thank you. Mr. HP has learned that technique and has never once regretted it. It's really in his best interest. Silly boys!

Truth is, we both have the same taste and ideas on what a house should look like for us. I'm just a lil more flexible. I don't mind a two story or if the master bedroom is a lil small especially if it has a good bathroom. I'm willing to compromise. Not Mr. HP. It's his way or the highway! He'll be the judge!! He's the boss! You don't know!! I got sooooo good at just opening the door of a house and knowing Mr. HP wasn't gonna like it. And there were some cute houses out there! But none for me. Where to put me and my devil hounds and my man-babies when they come to visit?! Sheesh!

So now we are back on the hunt for a new nest! And Mr. Horsepower is gonna see how hard it really is, cuz I'm not gonna do it by myself this time. He's goin with me.

I'm tired already.

Week 1, Feeling motivated!! At least til I get real hungry.

Hello my doodle bugs! Well, here it is......scale and feet! And 125.8 lbs!! Booooooooooo!! Me no likey! Them's fightin numbers!! The'r makein me angry!! Tarnation!! Did Yosimitie Sam just posesed my chunky body?!

Did you notice how some of my toe-nail polish looks black?? Weird, cuz it wasn't. And sorry bout the strap that's hanging in the picture, it was harder to get that shot than you'd think! Plus, now that I'm older, it's a lil harder to bend over like that!

So, you get to look forward to this every Monday! Lucky!!! I appreciate your kind words and support! I look forward to leaning on you in my times of need. Like, I NEED that peanut butter cup! Or, I NEED those tortilla chips covered in mountains of delicious guacamole! Just slap my hand and say, "No! Bad girl! We don't eat Cap'n Crunch by the handfuls out of the box in the middle of the Wal-Mart! Now go to your room!"

Yep, this is gonna be a piece of cake......pie......

PS. Kate couldn't remember being called "chickens", I thinks it was actually "chicken lickins", which is also a little strange, but I call my devil hounds "nuggets", so who am I to judge?

This is gonna be me! A skinny chicken or better yet Katie Price!

Hello my lil chickens! My mom used to call us chickens, so it's not bad. I promise. It'll only require a small amount of therapy.

Today I will not mention fabulous shoes or the fabulous concert I will be attending with my most lovely sister, both of those things have been covered today. Today I will be talking about the diet that I MUST go on. I'm ever so excited. Do you feel it? Oh yeah, baby! I know you do!

Last night after a hard day of getting my hair done and shopping at the Wal-Mart, oh yeah, guess who I ran into outside the Wal-Mart? My youngest man-baby!! He looks so handsome in his Capt. Spaulding t-shirt and his hair in his eyes! My beautiful baby! He let me hug him and give him 20 dollars. I was sooo happy it was like Christmas and my birthday and summer vacation all together! Anyway, he had important stuff to do, like add to his japanime video collection, or something, so off he went. Followed by many "I love you's" and "Don't forget to call your mother's" and "Find a nice girl that likes vampire books and Harry Potter role-playing games". You think I'm kidding about the last one, don't you?

Anywho, after such a trying day, Mr. Horsepower took me out to eat dinner because he felt so bad that I had to live under such stressful conditions. Isn't he sweet?! Yep, I know. We went to Famous Dave's and had the "garbage lid" dinner. We also had margaritas, beer and a bread pudding. As I was shoveling desert in my mouth, like I had never tasted the likes of such sweet confections, I realized that this has got to stop! No really! Like now! I've put on 15 lbs in the year and half I've been married. Summer is coming and my good friend Miss P has a pool, and pool parties, requiring me to unleash these chunka lunka thighs! My bottom has more dimples than kindergarten class photograph! Make the madness stop!!!!!!!!!!!

So now is the time when I share my plan with you, my trusted, faithful chickens! I figure if I tell you all that I am going on a diet and I make weekly postings, it will force me to loose the extra poundage, if only from sheer embarrassment at posting it a site for all to see!! There IS the method to my madness! I need the love and support and diet tips, ways to sew my mouth shut, how to make water taste like a steak and mashed potatoes, from my friends! I'm counting on you all to make this easier for me. Thank you.

So look forward to the fatness on Monday! Hopefully every week it will be a little less! I promise not to show pictures of my chub. Don't be skerd! I will however, show pictures of the scale. What?? I must be crazy!!

And how.

Boobs and Rats and Babies.....That otta get yer attention.

Hello my pretties! I'm feeling optimistic today, considering the events of the morning. Nothing earth shattering, just mildly aweful. It was just another day.............

I woke up this morning, tired....again! Told Mr. Horsepower to go ahead without me cuz I was feeling a lil late this morning. You know that feeling, right?? So after he left I got out of bed, pulled down the one pant leg that had wiggled itself to the upper thigh area, tucked in my right boob that had escaped my shelf bra, tank top and headed straight to the kitchen for a very large cup of coffee. Ahhhhhhh........one sip and I feel brandly new! Came back to the bedroom to check on the devil hounds, much mischief can occur in the short amout of time that it takes to get a cup o joe. Still sleeping! This is shaping up to be a great day! Now to survey the damage that has ensued during the nights journey that has caused unleasing of boobies and riding up of pants. Ohhhh mirror, please be kind to me! Truth is, I should know better.

For those of you that do not know, I had an unfortunate accident with a unkown hairdresser. Said hairdresser gave me a "do" commenly known as "The Mrs. Brady". Yes, THE Mrs. Carol Brady from the Brady Bunch! Needless to say, that was very very far away from the look that I was going for. After a few (3) days of crying and kicking and tantruming like a 2 year old, Mr. Horsepower said, "Go get some dang hair extensions if it will shut you up for five dang seconds!" It didn't really sound like that, but it probably should have. So I called up my favorite hair extension gal to make an appoinment. Problems solved! Or not. Favorite hairdresser gal just so happens to be having a baby..........like she is literally in the hospital as we are speaking! Dang it!! Come on baby, I'm in a hair crisis! Why do you have to be born now when I am distraught?! Favorite hair gal says to see some other hair gal and get hair extensions. So I do. After spending my man-babies college education money, I have beautiful, long, blonde hair. And I feel happy again. And let's face it people, if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

Today after looking in the mirror, I wasn't so happy. My beautiful blonde locks had morfed into a big ball of hair! First I tried combing it, no go. Then I thought I'll get into the shower and wash it and put on tons of Bio-Silk and that should do the trick! I'm smarter than the average bear. After fourty five minutes of trying to detangle the rat's nest attached to my head, I gave up. I went and got my trusty seam ripper and ripped those sucker out! And three hours later, I have shortish, thin hair again. It doesn't look like Mrs. Brady anymore, so that is good, and my hands kept moving fast so no rats could make a lodging on top of my skull. Also good.

I have and appointment with Favorite hair gal tomarrow. Would someone like to buy a devil hound? I need some cash, fast!

PS. My lil brother Beau Baby is now the proud owner of a grand baby! I'm soooooo glad it's you! Just kidding, I wish it was me, but since my man-babies can't remember anything unless the X-box loads it up onto the TV screen, it is for the best. Hope the lil one knows what family he got himself into?! Crazy is the standard, so it's best to keep up. Don't worry little one, your feet won't touch the ground and hugs are sure to be followed with kisses! Welcome home, baby!

I won't be able to work today.....because I have a bad case of dead.

Hello again, my fembots! I only say that, because I'm sure the only one that reads this on a daily basis is my beloved lil sis and her delightful friends! And since we all feel a little like robot moms/stepford wives, I think it was fitting. Also, those outfits are so dang cute with the marabou gun boobies! I'll take mine in pink, thank you!

As you can see, I didn't post yesterday. It was bill day at the "Mr. Fix It's House of Horrors". I am terrified of bill day! I'm not a circus clown, juggling isn't my specialty. Besides, I think clowns are scarey and creepy. But juggle I must on bill day. In the words of Mr. Horsepower's idol, Tim Gunn, "Make it work!" (Please don't tell Mr. Horsepower that I told you he idolizes Tim Gunn. He'll worry that you'll think he's not manley, and he'll totally deny it!) Over the past few months, I have learned how to make alotta things work. I had no idea what I was in for. Smelly, dirty man-boys, that make smelly, dirty man-jokes! Uggh! Some days it's too much for a delicate flower such as myself. I just want to run away and go shopping! If you are now wondering if this story ends with me running straight to the nearest mall, it doesn't. I'm tuffer than that! I'm not gonna let a few man-boys with dirty hands and a few hundred million dollars of payments scare me! And, for the record, I only cried a little. And nobody saw me, so it doesn't count.

Today I put on my big girl shoes, by that I mean my Jessica Simpson, silver, 3 1/2 in. heels, rounded toe, and faced the day. How bad can it be with such fabulous shoes, I ask you?? Then Mr. Horsepower asks if I balanced the check book. Dang!

With every day there is fresh hope.

TGIF!!!! Music by Donna Summer

Yes friends an neighboors, it's the ever beloved Friday! Yippee! I once had a guy come into the coffee shop that I worked at, and he yelled,"Happy f@&kin Friday!" That sums it all up for me. Some weekends are a long time coming. And some drinks aren't strong enough. Ya know what I mean? I know you do.

Fridays make me happy and rejuvinated! And that happy and rejuvinated me listens to disco! It reminds me of being young and having a dream of being a Solid Gold Dancer! Before becoming a teenage mother. But that is a another story for another time. Today is for dancing! For those of you that don't remember Solid Gold, or are too dang young to even know about this sparkley, varity show, it was the best thing on television!! It was the late 70's begining 80's, and every Sunday night, I'd park my booty right in front of the big cabinted, console TV in our living room, sitting on our semi-shag, rust colored carpeting. Ahhhh, the memories........it's like I'm still there! Anyway, it was a varity show, with Dionne Warwick, and later, with my personal favorite, Andy Gibb (my lover), and Marilyn MaCoo. There was singing and comedy and DANCING! Ohhhh, the dancing! Every week they would count down the top 10 songs, and to my delight, each song was dramaticly danced to by the Solid Gold Dancers! They also had the most amazing costumes, all shiny and glittery and.......tiny. I used to picture myself up there on that stage, dancing to "All Out of Love", by Air Supply. And later Andy (Gibb) would tell me how great I was, and did I have any plans for later?! Ahhhhhhh......... heavy sigh........................We used to say that in high school. I'm not sure what it means, but it was totally bitchin!

So, that was my dream. Back when kissing was enough and my biggest tragedy was having my hair not "go right". But I still have the music, and I love it! My dreams of dancing may be over, and it's probably for the best, (I'm not very co-ordinated, along with bad spelling and I didn't major math! ), but I DO have car dancing! I love to car dance! Kate, my beautiful sister, loves to car dance too! We car dance whenever we can, whenever we're together! I also get to dance around my house, much to my man-babies dismay. I have be asked on more than one occasion to "never do that again, please". To that I say, NO! I just wanna dance!! Dance my ass off!

Fridays rock! I feel like a whole new me! Or maybe, I feel like the old me, the young me...........with a dance to go to. Even if it is in the car, on the way home from work. And sometimes that's almost as good as a shiny, gold lame outfit.

Music for this memory was provided by:

KC and the Sunshine Band

The Bee Gees

Peaches and Herb

Diana Ross

Donna Summer

Lipps Inc.

The Gap Band

Pablo Cruise

Andy Gibb (my lover)

And countless others!

P.S. I just found out that Chaka Kahan and I share the same birthday! It's a sign!

Meet the lil.........Mister?

Hi! I'm just back from saving the world..............again. Sheesh! What a job! I'm watching my max limit today. For those of you not familiar with the amazing world of E-Bay, max limit is 100 items. They cut me off. Those lil suckers! Oh well, now it brings me back to ya'll. Good times, kids. Good times.

I've been discussing this here blog thingy with a handsome man that sleeps in my bed, better known as my husband. He's rugged, dark and dirty with car grease, and wears a uniform like nobody's business! And he's got dimples. Dimples so deep I just wanna fill them with ice cream and then eat it with a spoon! I love that! But best of all, he's sweet. Sweet to me, sweet to my man-babies, sweet to my crazy family, and then, he's just plain nice on top of that! He's even nice to people that are grouchy and mean! Makes me wanna puke! All that niceness. But hey, that's what I love about him. He inspires me to be a better person. But enough enough with that inspirational crap.

So, in our discussion about my blogging, I mentioned that I wanted to give him a "name" for my visitors. Something cute and manly. Ya know, like Pioneer Woman has Marlboro Man and Katie has.........Bob. No, Bob is not his secret alias, but still..........Anyyyyywhoooo, I asked him if he had any suggestions, after all, it is his a.k.a. too! I came up with a few ideas, and he came up with a few. My favorite sugguestion of his being, "Dirk Diggler". When the laughter stopped, I told him he was really funny and really cute.......... but no. (For those of you that are not familiar with that name, it's from the movie "Boogie Nights". Learn it, know it, love it.) Looks like we're gonna go with Mr. Horsepower. Yes, it does sort of have a lil bit of a porn ring to it, but it is actually a mascot for some kind of automotive product, and since my husband turns a wrench for a living, (instead of making porn), it seems sort of fitting.

So, now I've introduced you to Mr. Horsepower! He's a dream! And I'm soooo lucky he sleeps in my bed! Just me and him.........and the devil hounds. Dang!